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As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

Even though he was my enemy, I have to say, he had an excellent strategy. First, he punched me. Then he kicked me. Then, he punched me again.

Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, "Man! I really need to fix that roof."

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey, how's it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?"

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you threaten to kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

If at first you don't suceed, skydiving is not for you.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

I wish a robot would get elected president. Then, when he came into town we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad about it.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.

A good way to treaten somebody would be to lite a stick of dynamite, then call them up. When they answer, hold the dynamite up to the phone and say, "You hear that? That's dynamite baby."

The people in the village were really poor, so none of the kids had any toys. But this one little boy got an old enegma bag, and filled it with rocks, and he would whack the other kids in the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered me the toy. This was too much. I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. So I chased him down and tackled him, and took the enegma bag. He cried a little, but that is the way of these people.

I don't think I am alone when I say I'd like to see more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Maybe, in order to understand mankind, we need to look at the word itself "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two words- "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and for that reason, so is mankind.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

Ambition is like a frog sitting in a venus flytrap. The trap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog cause it only has little plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen, and it would be a lot like ambition.

I bet the main reason police keep people away from a plane crash is that they don't want anybody just walking in and laying down on the crash stuff, then when someone walks by, act like they just woke up and say, "Whoa, what was that?"

The face of a child can say a lot. Especially the mouth part of the face.

If you define cowardness as running away at the first site of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I am a coward.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except, there's no music, no coreography, and the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and that is what bugs me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

To me, mimes aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I have wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a mime killed my dad.

Most people don't realize that large peices of coral that have been painted brown and attached to the scull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown that makes people really happy, but he is really sad inside, and he has severe diarrhea.

If you ever fall off of the Sears Tower, just go real limp, then, maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you, cause, hey, free dummy.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying". And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to say is, "Probably something you did."

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was taking my little nephew to Disney Land, but instead, I drove him to an old, burnt-down warehouse. "Oh no," I said,"Disney Land has burnt down!" He cried and cried, but I think deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.

My mom got offended when I used the word "puke." But to me, that is what her dinner tasted like.