Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
I wish a robot would get elected president. Then, when he came into town we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad about it.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
A good way to treaten somebody would be to lite a stick of dynamite, then call them up. When they answer, hold the dynamite up to the phone and say, "You hear that? That's dynamite baby."
The people in the village were really poor, so none of the kids had any toys. But this one little boy got an old enegma bag, and filled it with rocks, and he would whack the other kids in the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered me the toy. This was too much. I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. So I chased him down and tackled him, and took the enegma bag. He cried a little, but that is the way of these people.
I don't think I am alone when I say I'd like to see more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Maybe, in order to understand mankind, we need to look at the word itself "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two words- "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and for that reason, so is mankind.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
Ambition is like a frog sitting in a venus flytrap. The trap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog cause it only has little plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen, and it would be a lot like ambition.
I bet the main reason police keep people away from a plane crash is that they don't want anybody just walking in and laying down on the crash stuff, then when someone walks by, act like they just woke up and say, "Whoa, what was that?"
The face of a child can say a lot. Especially the mouth part of the face.
If you define cowardness as running away at the first site of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I am a coward.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except, there's no music, no coreography, and the dancers hit each other.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and that is what bugs me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
To me, mimes aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I have wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a mime killed my dad.
Most people don't realize that large peices of coral that have been painted brown and attached to the scull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown that makes people really happy, but he is really sad inside, and he has severe diarrhea.
If you ever fall off of the Sears Tower, just go real limp, then, maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you, cause, hey, free dummy.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying". And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to say is, "Probably something you did."
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was taking my little nephew to Disney Land, but instead, I drove him to an old, burnt-down warehouse. "Oh no," I said,"Disney Land has burnt down!" He cried and cried, but I think deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.
My mom got offended when I used the word "puke." But to me, that is what her dinner tasted like.
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